The Conspiracy of Friday the 13th

Today Ladies and Gentlebeings is the infamous friday the 13th. But what makes this day so known, what foul deed of history are people always bringing up on this day? It is not the lunar landing for certain, or the zombies, or indeed even the lies and travesties of so called "light" or "diet" products. It is the bad luck and misfortune that is rumoured to follow this day.

Every single time something bad happens on this day, it is forever remembered and brought up.  People speak as like this is the only day in the year when bad luck follows them and every other day of the year is truly blessed. Well I say nay, this is not so. Just last week, on a regular wednesday night was when I slipped in the bathroom and banged my knee. And the week before that I tripped on a pile of rock and tumbled backwards into a rose bush on an average thursday. Yes, statistically a friday is the most dangerous day of the week but to be honest, you should fear the whole of January.

Winter, the thrice cursed cur, ups any accident statistic, but January is the worst offender. June might be devious and deceitful but January is the one month that should be stricken from the books. I say let us forget friday the 13th and take up arms against January, for it is the true enemy. Forget the zombies banging at the door, put down those fireaxes and get out the gasoline. Lets heat up the athmosphere till there is no more winter. Let us boil the seas and be free of the cold. For the January must be utterly destroyed.


EDITOR'S NOTE: WRITER P. is not allowed to write on a full moon again, especially if it's friday the 13th. Next time call up WRITER L.

Another juicy leak! Read all about it

As information leaks have caught the attention of public media, the cry for more secrets cannot be silenced. In recent events, such political entities as the US congress, US foreign office and NSA have been under the spotlight, I think it is time to bring attention to closer at home. Well less than half the globe closer. But not close close. I'm talking about the UK.

Just last week rumours surfaced of MI6 and it's location. Since then, an unnamed employee of Google has confirmed that they accidentally added MI6's location on Google Maps and as such, everyone knows where they are. Numerous people are surrounding the building with litigation issues, such as secret agents entering and trespassing in their garden sheds, car hijackings for high speed chaises and unlawful surveillance attemps in their private bathrooms.

Also numerous threats have been made against MI6 from peace and animal welfare organizations. Rude peace sign graffitis have apperead at the back of the building with polite signs asking to let the chalk paint dry in peace. Animal welfare activists are also demanding to know if they perform animal testing in their facility. The local small busines association is incensed about the now famous building ruining the reputation of the neighbourhood and is demanding reparations from loss of business.

Less as the situation develops.

ESP to be included in the Union?

The Psychics Union has entered negotiations for including all ESP capable people under their work union. The negotiations are overshadowed by the fact no ESP capable people have been discovered so far. The palmistry division is claiming that the union is jumping the gun, while the crystal ball users are predicting the rise of the new world order as the telepaths will emerge from the common folk. The Tarot division keeps drawing the Two of Swords.

In other news, Elvis has been spotted yet again at Kauppatori, chasing the seagulls that stole his food. You'd think he had learned by now to watch out for the flying pirates of the shores.

'Armed assault encouraged' is what fandom says

As yet another brutal scene was experienced some time ago by fans of the author George R.R. Martin, the people on Tumblr are rallying in arms. The fans of Steven Moffat and Joss Whedon are incensed about the continual violence against fully formed characters in their fandoms. Continued unrest is to be expected untill the television seasons held hostage are released.

The most dangerous fandom of them all, followers of BBC's Sherlock, have been seen building sacrificial altars for their gods Moffat and Gatis and been noted to have been buying Klingon self help books on killing gods.

Aliens sighted

Aliens were yet again sighted at the largest mall around. Early fall fashion seems to lean toward leopard prints and metallic orange Nikon cameras this year. These fashion icons are usually spotted only at the heights of the tourist seasons, as they can operate more easily in crowds of tired tourists who don't give a crap.

Alien tourism has been on the rise since last year, many believe it coincides with Voyager 1's departure from the solar system, seeing it as a big advertisement sign to come visit the sights and spend some money. This will be confirmed as a viable way to advertise in space, if when the Voyager 2 leaves the solar system we see a similar spike in alien sightings.

The Zombie Apolcalypse, already happened

Did you notice, about two years ago, when all stupid people got just a tiny bit smarter? That's when it happened. It seems that the zombie virus only affected stupid people and as zombies, they were actually more intelligent and tolerable than as humans.

Fear of increased violence not happening!!

As the tightening anti-smoking laws increase, and the smokers are driven to the edges of society, more and more smokers find themselves as unlikely targets of violence. As we did not report last week, there have been no attack on smokers by gangs of elementary school students. The news team waits patiently by the windows but so far no smoker has been attacked durin the daylight. The campaign against the toxic cigarette butts has not made any comments, as we have not asked any, about the likelihood of assaults from the city's anti-smokers.

The doctor's association, with the support of the asthma association, strongly encourages even more stricter laws. As this news writer waits with a bored air, nothing is happening as we speak.

People still smoke on the local railway station's platforms despite the sign and the increasingly dirty glares from my sister. Maybe I should get her a tazer...

Next up, why are the bus companies and the public mass transit hiring people with no driving licenses! Also, why cats are not awesome!